Monday, July 07, 2008

Nothing Good Can Come of It...

Several years ago, I used to rant to myself all the time. Sometimes I'd write it down on paper, sometimes I'd write a draft blog, sometimes I'd email myself. I had a lot of pain and quite a bit of anger boiling inside me and the only the thing that kept me sane was getting the rant out and moving on. I said a lot of things that I didn't truly mean in those rants. And I said a lot of things that I did sort of mean at that specific moment in time.

When I would get upset by someone in my life, instead of venting everything at them, I would let the words flow through my fingertips. That way, I got out what I needed to get out, but I didn't say things out loud that could not be taken back. Of course, I never gave a single thought to what it would mean if someone happened to see the words.

During that time, I would also look for the blogs of others who were in a worse place emotionally that I was (to make myself feel better). I found several that fit the bill. Strangely enough, reading stuff like that really made me put things into perspective and realize that writing things like that down was hurtful and potentially devastating to the person it was about. And while it can feel good to vent sometimes, if the subjects of MY venting ever saw my emotional writing, they could be hurt by it.

So for the same reason I quit going to "Mothers" groups (too much bitching about husbands), I stopped reading the blogs.

I also stopped the ranting and promptly forgot all about it. Not too long ago, I rediscovered several rants while going through my drafts and re-reading that rawness made me start to shake. Uncontrollably. It was devastating for ME to read how angry I was back then, so I cannot imagine how someone else might feel if they read it.

I believe that we all have bad days. I believe that we all have a deepness to us. I believe that we all hurt at one point or another in our lives. It is easy to appear to have a perfect life when things are going well. It is easy to look happy. It is easy to be happy. But I would not be the person I am today had I not gone through the sadness and the pain. Had I not made the choices I made. Had I not taken a deeper look at my actions and how they could be a root cause for what was going on in my life at the time.

I accepted fault for what was my fault. I forgave what needed to be forgiven. And I moved forward.

Nothing good can come of those words from so long ago. So even though I have some curiosity for finding the rest of my rants, I'm doing a major delete job over the coming days.

I love what my life has become and I love my husband, son, family, and friends. I would never deliberately hurt them or make them think otherwise.

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