Friday, May 09, 2008

Friday Confession

Because Sue keeps telling me to do this!

I am starting to find it difficult to do this each week. I suppose it's because I live a boring old life down here in Texas. Or maybe it's because some of the things I'd like to confess would cause me way too much embarrassment. I'm not big on willfully humiliating myself.

I have not kept in touch with the people I went to high school with. Every now and then I'll trade emails with one or two people I considered to be my friends, but for the most part, the whole not keeping in touch thing has been on purpose. I was one of *those* people. By that, I mean, I never truly ever fit in with any particular group or had a large circle of friends growing up. I had maybe three or four people I could consider my true friends along the way, but that was it. I wasn't in any clique and often felt myself excluded. It was torture to me at the time as only not being popular in your teens can be.

Before you start to feel sorry for me (yeah, right), I must admit that I was completely awkward. I put my foot in my mouth at almost every turn and was a walking target for mean people. Mainly because I made myself one. I had knobby knees, was too skinny for my own good, clumsy both socially and physically, and my hair! Oh, my hair! If I got off my lazy ass, I'd scan in some pictures from that time, but let me just use my power of description:

8th Grade -- Long, brown, permed hair with the triangle bangs. You know the ones. The ones that make you look like a poodle. My hair was so frizzy that we look at the pictures now and call me Roseanne Rosanadanna.
9th Grade -- Shorter hair, still permed, slightly lighter, better bangs.
10th Grade -- Chin-length, bleach-frosted hair. Dark roots.
11th Grade -- Shorter-than-chin length, "stacked" hair in the back (i.e. graded buzz). Blonde, but not like last year!
12th Grade -- Still frosting my hair, but also reverse-frosting to get a more "natural look" regularly. Below chin, but layered. My mom said it looked like my hair was a hat.

But I digress. My point was that I didn't fit in, no matter how much I wanted to. And OH! I wanted to so badly! I joined groups and clubs, hosted parties when my parents were out of town, got a beer and vodka connection, went out, lied about where I was going, and was completely friendly. I made lots of mistakes and I won't talk about them here. I still suffer from some of the emotional scars caused by my own stupidity and desire to fit in.

It's been quite some time since I was in high school. It took years, but I've finally grown into the person I was always meant to be. I still don't have a huge clique or large network or friends, but the ones I do have? They will be with me for life.

Every now and then, I log onto Classmates, though, and look. I want to see what those who were mean to me are up to now. And secretly? I hope for the worst. I hope karma got the best of them.

Sometimes, I'm just not that nice of a person on the inside. And sometimes, I'm 14 again. Just wanting to fit in.

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