It's a lot harder than I thought it would be... Trying to come up with gratitude. I'm usually all about complaining and bitching.
I have issues that I need to let go. But when you've been figuratively beaten down for almost a year and a half, when you've been brought so close to your breaking point that you just want to scream out, "ENOUGH! FUCK OFF! I'M DONE!" well, a complete 180 isn't always possible. In fact, I feel like I'm in a spin-out.
Luckily for me, my home life is not the cause of my frustrations. I'm an extremely fortunate person in that regard. Most of my anxiety and issues have revolved around work. Things I won't get into because I read Dooce and if I don't agree with all she says, I get the cardinal rule of, "Thou shalt not talk about work on the internet." I'm feeling a bit of an upswing where all of that concerned, though, so that's good. It's just difficult to let go of all the bad and angry feelings for the people who made me feel like a piece of shit for so long.
The biggest dilemma is that all of the crap from the office is hard to shed at the end of the day. I hold onto my complaints and grievances like a comforting blanket, hanging onto it with all my might because letting it go, just to feel that relief, even for a moment, knowing that in 10 hours, I'd have it piled on again, was just too scary to contemplate. As a result, I've been cranky, irritable, moody, bitchy, naggy, and just plain awful to be around most of the time (at least in my mind).
The purpose of my theme this month, the gratitude journal, was to aid in my effort to let all that shit go. Lift it off my shoulders, throw off the blanket, and BE the carefree person I know I am on the inside. It is to let myself shine through. It is to let go of all my complaints and negativity, let go of the slights and the grudges I've held against individuals (both in my personal and professional life) dating all the way back to high school.
It is tough. But I'm getting there. And sometimes, that's enough.