Like a river…
About four years ago, an acquaintance of mine began a blog. I had no idea what a blog was or how he got one, but I did read it. I actually link to it today… The LM Blog. Being the techno-idiot that I was and still am, I was intrigued and really wanted to know how to get my own site, but I was afraid that A) it would cost money I didn’t have, and B) it would be too difficult.
A couple of years later, I found a couple of blogs that changed my world. After my initial shock, I realized that there was no secret to having my very own website and created one. I finally had the motivation to eek out my own little blip on the internet and spew out my thoughts and feelings.
Two years, a profile change, and a couple of name changes later, I’m here. MrsPop007. For two years, I’ve posted rants and raves, long, thought-out posts, little blurbs, and painted a fairly rosy portrait of my life. For two years, I’ve told the world and no one at the same time how much I love my husband and son. I’ve also written scores of love letters to my husband and son via these posts.
I also read a bunch. I started out reading two or three blogs, then, through the “next blog” feature, I found Emily, through her I found Dooce, and then just through trial and error, I found a score of amazing and wonderful women who have the ability to put into words a lot of what I am feeling from day to day. I honestly have begun getting more out of the reading what they write every day than I do from my own writing.
I’m 33 years old. I’m a wife and a mother. I have a full time job and a golden retriever and a cat. I give myself the gift of a lot of guilt about the choices I make every day as to whether I am making the right ones or the wrong ones for my family and for myself. I agonize constantly over making everyone around me happy and in trying to do that, end up disappointing the people who matter most to me. And I have a blog. This is who I am.
I also dream of being a published author. I read Jen Lancaster’s book, found her blog, and was inspired to do it myself. I read about Karyn Bosnak (“Pretty in the City”) and am totally jealous that she was able to find a creative way to pay her bills. I read Dooce and dream of this website someday supporting MY family the way she supports hers. And I’m overwhelmed. I’m overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy. How could I ever even compete? How CAN I ever compete? Do I even WANT to compete? And I don’t want to “compete” per se. I want to hang with them.
I dream of being invited to the conferences and book tours. I dream of the book deal. But the reality is that I’m one of about a million others and I really have absolutely nothing new to say to the world. My life is interesting to me most of the time, but it really isn’t that amazing. I’m doing what the majority of American women are doing each day. I wake up, get dressed, go to work, pick up my son, go home, play, sometimes cook dinner, but most of the time I don’t, do laundry, make a half-assed effort at wiping down the counters and loading the dishwasher, and watch TV. And when I get a spare minute or two, I post a random picture and a few words on this blog. That’s it.
So now I’m at a crossroads. I’ve been at this for over two years now and I just don’t know what to say anymore. I’ve got my fun little site with a cute name where I talk about clothes and makeup and skincare, but even that isn’t unique. It’s just copy-catted, regurgitated fluff. I’ve never written anything that I wouldn’t say directly to those near and dear to me and I’ve never written anything about the particulars of my job. I have written some things that are embarrassing to me, but those of you out there who have known me my whole life know that I’m all about embarrassing myself anyway.
Last week, I took down most of my archives and changed the view to one day at a time. I left a few posts up (mostly the ones with comments because I don’t want to lose those), but the rest are sitting as drafts, waiting for me to go through them and do something. I just don’t know what to do with them, though. Mostly, this post is representative of the past two years of writing (307 total posts), in that it is just as meandering. I love to write. I love this process. And I love the idea that even if I can’t get it together enough to put something together worth publishing in book form, I can simply hit a button and publish it myself.
Who knows what will happen to this blog. I’ll probably continue writing as I do, to tell you the truth, because I do get an immense release by clicking that “publish” button. And we all need something like that in our lives.